Terrified

I didn't think I would be, be I'm terrified about my upcoming surgeries. Its literally been haunting me. I have nightmares that I can't shake, I'm questioning everything. I know in my heart that this is something I need to do, but my mind is getting the best of me.

I won't know until the day of surgery where they will be doing surgery. They are hoping axilla, torso, but they said it depended on how healthy my skin is, where they would do the first surgery. It is scary not knowing on March 31 if I will wake up not moving my arms, or not being able to walk. If I knew I could prepare for it, but going in blinded is getting to me.

I also don't know how long I will be in the hospital. At first they told me one day...then they told me at least a week. The weekend after my surgery is Easter and my family will be in town. I don't know if I'll be home or in the hospital. Part of me wants to be home, to be there with my family, I don't get to see them often, and I love spending time with them, even though they probably don't realize it, but part of me knows, I'll just be getting home, and I don't want to be a burden on their visit either, so maybe its best I'm still in the hospital. Its just the beginning of me realizing how much of an extra burden I'll be on family and friends while I go through all of this, and also the things I will miss out on.

*I wrote this blog and saved it as a draft 2 days ago. No one had read it. I reiceved a email from my brother yesterday saying he would like to come down the weekend before or after my surgery so that it would be easier on us all. How awesome is that...he read my mind. I'm hoping they come down the weekend before...it would def. keep me from losing my mind right before surgery...plus I want to hug and hold my nephews and niece on last time before I start all of this.