I need my life back.

I've officially been living back home with my folks for a little over a year now, something which I never thought would happen at my age. I'm thankful that I have a place to live, a roof over my head, but its definitely not what I had in mind at this point in my life. I'm hoping to move sooner than later, still waiting on disability to be approved, there is so much red tape and hurdles to jump, I'm just ready to have it happen.

I have tried so hard not to have major surgeries for my HS, but the time has come that I can no longer put them off. I'm cutting daily (I&D's), and I feel like I've had flare up overlapping flare up for almost a year now. Things are not getting any better, so its time to do something. I go on November 12, 2009, to start the process of scheduling surgeries. There are so many options, I'm just not sure what to do. I could have it all done at once, which would keep my in the hospital for a while, and quite a recovery period, or do them in stages. I truly haven't made up my mind. Hopefully the surgeon will give me guidance, however the decision will ultimately be in my hands. I'm pretty scared to be honest. Having HS, the risk of infection is so high. As with anyone having major surgery the fear in the back of my mind is "will I make it back home." The sad part about HS surgeries, statistically there is only a 50% chance of remission with surgery. Its a huge gamble. Sometimes you just have to roll the dice.

I'm at the point in my life, where something has to give. I laugh when I say "my life" because honestly, most days I'm not really living. I'm just here. I don't work anymore, I rarely see my friends. I stay shut in my room, because I don't want to be a burden on my folks. I feel if I stay out of their way, I'm doing them a favor. (They don't feel this way, this is how I feel. They are often upset that I lock myself away.) My only connection to life most days is social networking like facebook and twitter. Wooohooo! I don't answer my phone very much anymore...I really have nothing to say to anyone. The only thing I have to talk about is doctors and hospitals, and I'm sure ALL my friends are sick to death of hearing about that. I'm sick of being me. I need my life back.

I know this sounds so negative, however, its reality. I can't speak of anything else. I do try and stay positive as far as my future, and I have high hopes things will soon be better. I also recognize there are many things that people face much bigger than what I am going through. Things just get cloudy sometimes. I enjoy my pity parties every once in awhile, but you're not invited. :)